It's been a bittersweet last few days for me, and by that I mean mostly bitter. Let's recap.
Before I went on vacation, I was thrilled to be offered a temp writing job by a friend of a friend - even if it meant spending a few hours inside each day while I was at the beach. I was even more excited when the person told me that when the job ended she would like to hire me to do more work on a long-term basis. Given my professional situation as of late, this bit of news was a godsend. I celebrated. I really liked the lady, the work was something I already had years of experience doing, and it would just fit with my life right now.
When I got back from my vacation, I went about doing whatever crap-work I could find until I was to start said job. I also decided I needed to have internet at my house again, no matter what. I called AT&T, asked again if they could provide me with regular internet, since they claim I can't get U-Verse. The nice lady I spoke with said, "But you can get U-Verse. Let's set it all up now." I tried to tell her no, I was not going through that again. An hour later, she and I hung up, and I signed my life away for U-Verse. I was going to have to wait two weeks for my services to be set up, but dammit, I would have cable and internet again. She promised.
Fast forward to last Friday. I was sitting on my parents' sofa (I've spent a lot of time here over the last couple of months, using their internet), and I realized my muscles were aching as if I'd been working out, but I hadn't. I felt like like I had the flu. I figured I'd go home and sleep it off. I had no time to be sick. Because I hadn't yet started my new job and because I have to pay taxes shortly, I'd have to work doubly hard this week and next doing the aforementioned crap-work.
By Saturday night, I had a fever of 101, it felt like someone was sitting on my head, and every bone in my body hurt. Sunday was miserable. Sunday night was the worst. After a night of fever, chills, hallucinations, and sleeplessness, I got up at 5:00 on Monday morning and took a hot bath, hoping it would calm my body down. There was also an incident in which I convinced myself I had meningitis, but that's neither here nor there. I finally forced myself out of the tub and dragged myself up to my parents' house to get started on my week 'o work. I told myself it was only for a few more days. I'd have internet again on Wednesday and surely I'd hear from my soon-to-be new boss this week (because I didn't the week before or the week before that as I thought I would).
So, I'm sitting back on my parents' sofa on Monday morning, trying to convince my mom I have meningitis, trying to figure out why one of my crap-work outlets has no work available, and trying not to fall over and die when my phone rings. I didn't recognize the number, so I didn't answer it, but the voicemail confirmed what I suspected all the time. It was AT&T. They wanted to inform me that...wait for it, wait for it:
I CAN'T HAVE U-VERSE BECAUSE OF WHERE I LIVE!
Are you freaking kidding me? I wasted two weeks for this that I already knew? (If it sounds like I'm over-reacting, please take a moment to read AT&T, Why Won't You Let Me Love You.) How in the world am I supposed to start my new job and keep doing crap-work if I don't have internet? Oh, wait, yeah, new job. I still hadn't heard anything about that, so I sent a quick email, just to remind her that I'm still waiting for her to get back with me.
Well, as it turns out that's not going to happen either..
So, it's Monday afternoon, I'm sitting on my parents' sofa, I don't have my internet, I don't have my new job, I may or may not have viral meningitis and I've got about three to four days to come up with a whole new game plan for a whole lot of things. I wanted to die.
Yesterday, my mom asked me to take my landlord some squash and cucumbers from my dad's garden, so I did. While I was standing there, I blurted out, "I'm moving out." I hadn't really planned to say it; it just sort of happened, but when it did, I felt like someone took 1,000-pound cement block off my shoulders.
I probably could have stayed. I probably could have figured out something - I always do, but that's the thing: every month lately seems like "I'll figure out something." I devote all of my time and energy to doing crap-work for pennies and hunting down jobs and I'm not going forward, I'm digging myself deeper into a hole and I'm really just wasting my life, trying to get by, which most months I'm not even able to do right now.
My parents have offered, reluctantly, to let me move in with them several times. Yesterday, I took them up on that offer, at least for a few months. Did I want to be the 31-year-old who moves back in with her parents? No. But I do want to be the 31-year-old who has time to finish her book and doesn't die of heart disease because she sits at the computer all day looking for work and doesn't have time to exercise. That's not to say I'm going to stop looking for work, but at least, I can add some balance to my life now. I realize that not everyone is as lucky as I am to have family to fall back on when they need to, and I am very thankful for that.
Anyway, I drove home last night (that's my driveway in the picture), and it felt a little sad to know I'd only be doing that for a little while longer. I've lived there for three years, which is longer than I lived anywhere else as an adult. I've been through a number of professional and personal ups and downs there. I added Sadie to my little family. I got snowed in there, and I suffered through floods and tornadoes and nasty windstorms there. I wrote my book there. I will have a lot of memories of that place, but I also feel like it is part of what's holding me back from doing more with my life right now, so that makes leaving a little easier - well, that and the fact that I can't seem to get internet at that place. Thanks a lot, AT&T.